Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
