dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
