call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
