i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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