Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
