so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
