On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
