I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
