I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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