Christians are straight up FREAKS
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
sex in a hospital.. check
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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