I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
