In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
