Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
