You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
