It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Couch. On fire.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
