I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
