You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
