I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
