I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I could make wine with my vomit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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