and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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