Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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