Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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