Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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