i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
