So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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