If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
