If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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