i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
