I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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