In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
