Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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