Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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