i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
