fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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