I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
