i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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