I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
