i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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