SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
