If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
