I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
