I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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