Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
