Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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