i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
