JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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