We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
