I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I could make wine with my vomit
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
