I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
