Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
